On solid ground I stand

As someone who loves to talk, I thoroughly enjoy a good debate. You know the conversations that are ignited by opposing ideas, flamed by passion and intensified with elevated tones and hand gstures. Oh how I love a good debate!

My most recent debate was held in my home with a couple of family members. The topic for discussion was PARENTING or more directly my husband’s parenting style. Now if you know me then you have learned by now that I live openely and boldly and my husband is me 2.0. His presence can either calm or shake the room. He is not easily rattled emotionally. He leads by example and more importantly, he is FAIR. Now if I were to be honest, I can still be emotionally unstable and unfair. However, I have learned that the key to being a “great debater” is to ALWAYS maintain your composure.

Yesterday it was stated in reference to my daughter “ it seems like she gets fussed at alot”. Now, this stemmed from my husband saying to my daughter “ you need to find something productive to do with yourself next week or you will find yourself outside” ( what they heard was completely different I am certain). This disturbed my family members a great deal. To directly quote one of them, “that didn’t sit right with me.” As if I asked how she felt. It’s the level of audacity for me. Nevertheless, I decided to engage, but the conversation did not end the way she expected I am sure. You see what she witnessed is 10% of what really goes on in my home. Anything I allow in my home has already been weighed and measured. Thus, my position cannot be easily swayed because I have done the work. Once she realized this, she stated “ you don’t want to loose your child to your husband.” Fear tactic 101. I am sure that my teenager disagrees with my method of parenting. After all, I hold her to standards. Few teenagers like their parents. The goal is to gain their respect not their friendship. Now lets discuss why my hubby’s statement did not bother me. As an 80’s baby who spent time with her maternal cousins in conditions dissimilar to my paternal upbringing, this statement brought on a feeling of nostalgia. It pulls out character and creates a sense of urgency to chase the altetnative.

I grew up being awakened at 8 a.m. bathing and being told “ go outside and play”. My cousins and I would walk to the local school or neighborhood park, grab a free luch box, and proceed to play well into the evening. If we got thirsty we drank from a hose. If one of us got into a fight, well we all “got dusty”. We earned money by picking pecans, recylcling cans, or any other laborous tasks adults didn’t want yo do. While enduring all of this, I did not die! The delusion of entitled comfortability did though. I realized how good life was with my dad’s side of the family. Sometimes “ too good”. The adult women did all of the house work, men did the yard work. Kids were only expected to go to school. Any type of responsibility was reserved until you graduated then you were expectd to just “ figure it out”. I was in college before I realized how many basic skills I lacked. Sure, I had book sense, but common sense was not that common. All I had to do was smile, go to church EVERY Sunday, and do exacly what I was told to do. They would feed me, clothed me, and house me. Sounds like a great set up right! Well, the space for free thinking was limited and the room for ridicule and judgement expansive. The pressure to be damned near flawless was overwhelming. Rebellion crept in and I challenged EVERYTHING. I discovered that while my patriarchal family meant well, they really stunted my growth emotionally. They indoctrinated a fear of failing and showered me in hypermasculinity. My VOICE was sikenced by heavy thoughts about “ where am I going to live” or “who is going to watvh my child” if I rock boat? Fortunately, with the skills I learned from my mom’s side of the family I knew that I had what it took to make my own way and I want NOTHING less for my children.

There is a delicate balance between providing a good life and enabling your children. You must be firm and gentle at tbe same time. They must feel confident in their ability to find their place in the world outside of me. They need to understand that people who are comfortable with you relying on them DO NOT want the BEST for you. They see your dependence as a means of MANIPULATION. So yes, we will continue to push our children hard and often. We will always provide consequences to their lack of action. Our job is to PREPARE them for what’s to come and SPARE them from what laziness, comfortability, and low self confidence has to offer.

What happened to “the village”?

We have all heard the famous saying “it takes a village to raise a child”. Well in 2024 it seems that this idea no longer exist. Young parents, primarily mothers have been faced with the reality that they are not the only demographic being hit hard by inflation. The price of EVERYTHING has increased! Thus, forcing their parents and grandparents to work well past “retirement age”. Coupled with the growing level of audacity and entitlement some younger parents have, I think its safe to say that “the village” has drastically dwindled. Older adults have come to terms with the fact that a large number of them have over extended and sacrificed themselves for their children. Now, I am not saying that parents should not help their children. However, we must be mindful that the line between helping and enabling is thin. There are far too many unwed mothers with multiple children and absent fathers. Did they not learn anything after the first pregnancy? Chances are probably not. As we all know PAIN is life’s best teacher. If a young mother is allowed to continue her life with children uninterrupted by sleepless nights, the cost of childcare, and lack of personal time, how will she grasp the concept that parenting is HARD! I charge all women to read this and strive for something greater. Children do not get a choice in deciding when, where, who, or how they are conceived. That is solely an INDIVIDUAL choice. The “village” is a support system not a cheer section for poor decision making. Everyone deserves to live a happy and full life, just not at the expense of others.